Lunar Fromagism
There has been a recent spate of books by so-called 'Neo Lunar Lithists,' who insist that the moon is made of rock.
In his work, 'The End of Cheese,' Sam Harris argues that Lunar Fromagists (people whose faith tells them that the moon is made of cheese) are responsible for every evil in society from the wearing of cheese hats at sporting events to the practice of cheeseboarding.
"Think about it," Harris writes. "There are people, lots of people, walking around out there absolutely convinced that that thing you see in the sky is made out of stuff that comes out of the tits of a cow. These people vote. Why do we allow this? Ask yourself: are we fucking retarded?"
In Richard Dawkins' 'The Cheddar Delusion,' the noted scientist points out that cheese is a highly refined product of living animals, requiring both life and technology to produce.
"It's simply not reasonable," Dawkins argues, "to believe that celestial bodies are composed of this substance. In the over three and half billion year history of life on earth, only the past few millenia have demonstrated the existence of any cheese at all. Cheese arises out of planets. Planets do not arise out of cheese. I'm really surprised that I need to write that down, but there it is."
And in his polemical 'Get Your Fucking Cheese Off My Plate You Ignorant Pinheaded Bastards,' Christopher Hitchens argues that not only is the moon not made of cheese but that it would be horrible to think it was.
"Cheese is a fungus," claims Hitchens, "it's a nasty, rotten mold grown in the dark from the spoiled emissions of common bovine teats. To suggest that the moon is made of such stuff is a calumny against her beautiful visage that no right thinking person should allow and I invite you to join me in that. By the way, the president of Iran believes in cheese. I'm just saying."
What none of these authors seems willing to acknowledge is that Lunar Fromagism is not fundamentally about believing that the literal moon is literally made of literal cheese. It's a way for us to feel closer to the eternal nature of cheese and gives us a reason to be good. No modern fromagarian takes those myths seriously. But they are true. Sort of. Maybe not literally. But maybe. For some people. It all depends on who I'm talking to right now.
It's interesting to note, however, that nowhere in their books do the authors present solid, irrefutable proof that the moon is not made out of cheese. It's true that NASA returned rocks from the moon in the late 60's, but what people always forget is that the solar system is filled with tiny rocks. Surely in the billions of years that the moon has existed, many of those rocks will have fallen on its surface, burying the original cheese and giving it the outward APPEARANCE of being made of rock. It just makes sense.
If the moon is not made out of cheese, that means that there are no rules and we all might as well get about the business of raping one another to death. But we don't do we? What more proof do you need of the moral necessity of Lunar Fromagism?
No, they are confusing Lunar Fromagism with RADICAL FUNDAMENTALIST Lunar Fromagism. It's true that this group with their "cheese here, cheese there, cheese everywhere" philosophy is responsible for great atrocities, including the stuffed crust pizza. But they're just a fringe, constituting only some 60%-70% of Lunar Fromagists.
It is true that we're fighting a war against them right now that's going cost a couple of trillion dollars by days' end and domestically no one can be elected president without claiming certain knowledge in their hearts that the moon is made of cheese, but other than that they're not very representative of true LF-ism.
That fringe has lost site of the central message of Lunar Fromagism which is this: don't be an asshole. Somehow they lost site of this message because of a few hundred places in the Fromagist Bible that loosely translate to: go be an asshole. It's understandable. It's all part of the mystery of cheese.
A great many Lunar Fromagists have done wonderful things in the name of Lunar Fromagism. Would the authors have us dismiss these good deeds and rape them all to death? I shudder to think of the answer.
What of the great Lunar Fromagist Mayor McCheese? His faith in Lunar Fromagism was an inspiration to the people of McDonaldland, even the Hamburglar.
And it has to be pointed out that Hitler believed that the moon was made of rock, so we can see that Lunar Lithism is no guarantee of virtue.
Finally, why do the authors seem so shrill and angry? It's almost as though they're being frustrated by some sort of maddeningly dense nonsense that won't dry up and blow away. They must have unhappy marriages.
Cheese be with you.
